Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
