Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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