I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
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Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
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i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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