The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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