you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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