I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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