I feel like abortions should bother me more
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
