i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
