worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
