I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
