Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
