Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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