sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Randomize
