Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
