Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
