The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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