there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
