I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
