shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
