note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
