Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
