pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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