It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
