I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
