I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
