look no pants
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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