We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
