Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
