8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
