What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
