I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
