she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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