its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if only i could text you this smell
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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