"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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