I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.