I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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