You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
