ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
