My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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