hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
