we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
