having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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