U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
