Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
