Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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