Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
