you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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