I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
