I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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