wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
