I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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