oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
