either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
