you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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